Kissing Grandma

Q: What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
A: When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

Sibling Stories

From Matt Groening's Big Book Of Hell, here are "Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me."
 
The Sleeping Alligator Story

Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.
You: Really?
Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?
 
The Boy-Trap Warning

Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.
You: Really?
Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.
You: Uh-oh.
 
The Alphabet Trick

Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.
Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.
 
The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?
You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!
 
The Lure Of New Toys

Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.
You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.
Bro/Sis: This time we won't.
 
The Snowflake Story

Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!
You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!
Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.
 
The Movie Switcheroo

You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!
Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.
 
The Elf

Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet
Tom. You: I don't see anybody.
Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.
You: Oh sure.
Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.
You: Hi, Tom.
 
The family reunion, twenty years later...

Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.
Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

Eye Repair

A baby is born and after the initial examination, the doctor returns with some news. "Ma'am," says the doctor, " I'm sorry to tell you this but your son was born without any eyelids. But, it is an easy fix." He says, "After we've circumcised him, we can surgically recreate new eyelids with his foreskin."
"Oh dear" says the new mother "but won't that make him cock-eyed?" "Yes," replies the doctor, "but he'll have excellent foresight"