Idiot Insurance Forms

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
• I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
• In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Bad Breath

You're breath's so stinky I don't know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilet paper!

Razorback Hogs

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!" The President replied  "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"