The Angel's Story

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which were a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?" Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.

A Wish for Christmas

It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on Santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y," touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds, "Nope." So Santa again says, "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E," as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said, "Nope." Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E," once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds, "Nope." Well at this time Santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?" The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Italian Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head. "What da heck you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!" Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'. Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"