Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars". "Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well  the parrot knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

Turtle Sexuality

Q: What do you call a turtle with an erection?
A: A slow poke!

Same Response

My wife often complains to me when she's drunk. Last night she complained when she was sober.
Non alcoholic whine.