How Fast is it?

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified   Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.  Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT'.  It just pops into your head.  There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. & 39;Hmmm ... let me see 'A blink'!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer.  'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. & 39;Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch   When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'yes, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie.  'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

The Minister's Joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Confucius Say Collection

Confucius say...

• Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
• Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
• Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
• Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
• Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
• A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
• Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
• Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
• Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
• Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
• Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
• Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
• He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
• Elevator smell different to midget.
• Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
• Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
• America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
• Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
• When lady say no, she mean maybe.  When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady.
• Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
• He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
• He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
• Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
• Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
• He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
• He who refuses to listen is lying.
• He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
• Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
• Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
• It take square ass to shit a brick.
• The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
• Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
• He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
• Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
• Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
• Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
• Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
• Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
• Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
• Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
• Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.