Phil's Choice

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous busty blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super sex."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."

Polish Robber

A Polish guy walks into a store and says, "Open the register!". The store keep says, "We're closed." The Polish guy says, "I'll be back tomorrow"!

Oh Boy...More Warning Signs!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"(why...a duh!)
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.(ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.(oh sure...now they tell me!)
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.(aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.(well that's just great...now what do I use!)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.(he-he...I gotta try this one!)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.(hmmm...I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)