Mortuary Answering Machine

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Pet Peeves!

Things that make me cringe!

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fuckin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?
8. BIG hair
9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice did ya there buddy?
10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!

Fast Start

I don't mean to boast, but I was so good at being born, they gave me a certificate for it.