Pulled Over

It's Super Bowl Sunday and a man is heading home to watch the big game. As he passes under a bridge, a cop takes off after him and they both pull to the side of the road.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" "Gee, no, I thought I was doing the speed limit." "Well according to my radar gun, you were going 49 in a 45 zone."
Outraged by the fact that he just got pulled over for going 4 miles over the limit and the game was about to start, he begins to get visibly frustrated. "Oh come ON! You pulled me over for that? I have someplace I REALLY need to be."
The cop isn't impressed. "What, are you a doctor or something? Is someone dying?" "Funny you should mention that, because I am a doctor." "Really, now? What kind of doc are ya?" "Well, in simple terms, I'm an asshole stretcher." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, I stretch assholes."
"I'm sorry, but I don't see..." "Look, it's real simple. I take someone's asshole and stretch it little by little until it gets to about 6 feet wide." The cop, genuinely confused and shocked, asks: "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"Well you give him a radar gun and stick him under a bridge."

Million Letters

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: A Post Office!

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$80,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"