Bumper Stickers

• I love animals, they taste great.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

Nail Clipper Costume

Craigslist Ad:
This is made of the highest quality parts that the National ACE hardware on McKinley has to offer.
Is that PVC I smell? Nah son, 1/2" CPVC all DAY. Why is it so stiff? That's cause it's constructed with triple-ply cardboard. Is that Roundy's tin foil? OH FO SHO, that is straight Reynolds Wrap. Shiny side up. Why do I feel like it's Scotch-Guarded? Calm yourself, that's just saran wrap (for ultimate protection (from harm (and terror))).
Aluminum cam for smooth movements. Spring operated for speedy clipping. Lightweight for stealth and mobility.
There are caveats: You won't win the costume contest. Women won't flock to you. Well, they might, but it's more than likely they'll say things like:
- What are you?
- What made you think of that?
- You're dumb.
- That's nice that your mom gave you money and let you out of the house to play in public.
Come get this thing. I spend way too much time building nonsense, and you are being rewarded. Nail clippers come with 4 strings of (working) icicle-style Christmas lights. Will not separate.

Bumper Stickers 21

• Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
• Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
• Life is too complicated in the morning.
• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
• The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
• My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ... I'm sure going to miss her.
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• Today's subliminal message is: ( )