Southern Comments

Exclamations:

• "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
• "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

• "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
• "This'll jar your preserves."
• "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things & Compliments:

• "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
• "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
• "Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

• "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
• "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
• Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

• A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
• When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
• If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
• "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
• A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

• "She's uglier than homemade soap."
• "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
• "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
• "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
• "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
• Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Newfoundland and Nova Scotia

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Don't Cut

An American has sex with a Soviet woman and catches a strange venereal disease causing a green ring around the base of the penis. The American goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. Wanting another opinion, he then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but agrees that amputation is indicated.
Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this strange form of venereal disease.  Indeed, the Soviet doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"