Make Me A Newfie

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain. "The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Texan Buys Spread

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel. "Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid, "Ah'm looking to buy me a ranch - stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Polish Women and Vibrators

Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.