Irish Snakes

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Looking for a Seat

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant." He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious. "With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Smartie and Polo in the Pub

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.  Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug."Fuck me!" shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.  "What the fuck are you doing that for?",  says Smartie. "That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him." says Polo. "You should stand up to him" says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do".
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. "Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you", says Polo. "Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?", says Humbug. "Told you so!" says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune. "Fuck me!" shouts Polo again, diving under the table. "What the fuck are you doing that for again?", says Smartie. "I know you said stand up to bullies, but that's Tune" says Polo. "So what?", says Smartie.  "He's fucking menthol!" says Polo.