She Is On Steroids

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
A: When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.

Smart Alec

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

Weights and Measures

Science Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyrone: Umm, depends on what you need.