Dieting Lessons from Kids

New Miracle Diet! Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Or is there a slim hope? Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Using a Suppository

A guy walks into a pharmacy to pick up his prescribed suppository and asks the pharmacist how to use it. The pharmacist tells him that he should take it rectally, and the guy leaves, confused. After 10 minutes, he comes back in and and asks her again how to use the suppository. The pharmacist tells him to put it in his anus, and the guy still seems confused, but leaves anyway. After an hour, he calls the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist how to use the suppository again, and she tells him, "Grab the suppository and shove it up your ass!" The guy yells back at the pharmacist, "No need to be rude, you're just doing your job!"

Worst Headache

Q: What's the worst way to get a headache?
A: When she sneezes.