Good News And Bad News

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Germ Tactics

A young married couple maintains a strict sexual schedule. Every day, the husband and wife get home from work at 5 p.m. and have sex at 5:15 p.m. One day, the wife comes down with the flu and goes on antibiotics. The medicine kills all the germs, except for three, who huddle together inside her body to talk over survival tactics. One germ decides to hide from the antibiotics between two toes on her left foot. The second germ decides to hide behind her right ear. The last germ says, "You guys do what you want, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."

Strawberry and Cream

A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"