When I Get Out

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Love, Love, Love

One of the most painful things in the world is when you say "I love you" and it isn't reciprocated
Especially when you've just said it to your parents