Hearing From an Asshole

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning, or better still, thinking up names for fart types is a traditional early adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."  Occasionally, this oral tradition has achieved the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa1880 - see also "SBD's").
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.
Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.
Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitious contributions, usually signified my the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.
SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistent with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
Wet Ones: (a.k.a Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompanied by guttural, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then departs, walking funny.
Whiffers: see Poohs.

Beware of Spot

A man goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of wind and needs to relieve some pressure . The family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let out a little fart and if anyone notices they’ll think the dog did it. He farts, and the mother yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The man thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the mother again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally, the mother yells, “Dammit Spot, get down before that bastard craps on you.”