Lactose Woes

The Lactose Intolerant Society have asked me to come up with a few puns for their new information brochure.
They don't want anything cheesy though.

Coronavirus Market Crash

Q: Why was the Coronavirus stock market crash worse than a divorce?
A: You loose half of your money and your wife is still there.

The Perfect Diagnosis

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhead. "I would suggest to you, young lady, began the doctor,  that you discontinue some of your running around, stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"