Heart Attack

A man comes home and hears hard breathing and female noises from inside the apartment.  He walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. His wife yells, "Help, help, I am having a heart attack!"
The husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."
Husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids!!!"

The Results of the X-ray

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Lactose Woes

The Lactose Intolerant Society have asked me to come up with a few puns for their new information brochure.
They don't want anything cheesy though.