Can't Win

Johnny comes to school with a black eye.
Teacher: what's wrong?
Johnny: our house is very small, me, my mom and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping. If I say no then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet and don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping... I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and mom start moving, you know, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up and making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mom, "are you coming?"
Mom said: "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered: "Yes."
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too.

Chris Brown and Tesla

Q: What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?
A: The Tesla gets fewer battery charges.

FBI Want-Ads

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream. The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her." The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!" The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy," he replies. The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI agent says, calmly. The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids... she's just too important." The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.
Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room. Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face. "What did you do?" The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"