The Sick Coffin

A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.  The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town down a steep hill. It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St. when suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.  The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"

Commercials

In commercials nowadays, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. That's a pretty violent image to portray on TV, I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Suicide Insult

Slit your wrists, it will lower your blood pressure.