Mike Tyson Gets Good News

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best: find a woman with whom he may "commiserate." After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation.
She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?"
Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news."
She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

Robots

The robots will probably adopt that song as their anthem, and they'll sing it to themselves as they take over the world, crushing humans under their silicone heels. And they will install Cher as their android goddess because, by then, she'll be mostly plastic and wire anyways.

Christmas with Steve Harvey

Christmas is always awkward in Steve Harvey's house.
None of the presents have the correct names.