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The best jokes and joke writers!

Beertender

A drunk girl calls over the bartender, and says, "Beertender! Gimme a martooni!"

The bartender patiently gives her a martini, which she disposes of quickly, then yells at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni!"

He rolls his eyes and serves her another. But not ten minutes later, she's hollering across the bar at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni! And give me some antacid; I have terrible heartburn."

The bartender replied, "Listen, lady. One: It's Bartender, not Beertender. Two: It's a martini, not a martooni. And three: You do not have heartburn; your boob is in the ashtray."

A Wish Comes True

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ...Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Ostrich & Pussy Cat

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.

The ostrich walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat."

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round, but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" asked the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Walked Into a Bar

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

Time Out

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.