Puns Galore

• We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.
• My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
• A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
• A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."
• Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.
• A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"
• Perforation is a rip-off!
• A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded. And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job. And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.
• Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

Redneck Walks Into a Bar

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands. He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

High Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."