Drunk Buddies

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Christ!" he says, "My wife ish going to kill me."
His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."
"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht." Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off. Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..." "But there are 40 dollars here," she replies. "Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."

Golden Bar

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. ''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door. ''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replies her husband, who is plainly drunk. The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed. The next day she finds the Golden Bar's phone number and calls it up. ''Hello, is this the Golden Bar?'' she asks. ''Yes, this is, ma'am,'' replies the man on the other line. ''Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden stools?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden cups?'' ''Yes.'' ''Do you have golden toilets?'' There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak. ''Hey Jimmy,'' he calls into the bar, ''I think we found out who shit in your tuba!''

Too Many Beers

So I said "Hey man, that's my beer." Then he says, "No man, that's my beer." Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers." That's when we realized we had too many beers.