Gremlin

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager. The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs along the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!". The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!" The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin. "Well, how do ya pee?" The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

Smartie and Polo in the Pub

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.  Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug."Fuck me!" shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.  "What the fuck are you doing that for?",  says Smartie. "That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him." says Polo. "You should stand up to him" says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do".
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. "Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you", says Polo. "Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?", says Humbug. "Told you so!" says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune. "Fuck me!" shouts Polo again, diving under the table. "What the fuck are you doing that for again?", says Smartie. "I know you said stand up to bullies, but that's Tune" says Polo. "So what?", says Smartie.  "He's fucking menthol!" says Polo.

Mop Face Fight

I got in a bar fight one time with a big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."