Black Eyes

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Leprechaun Pee

A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat. "If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy. After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun. "All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!" The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that." "Why not?" asks his captor. "Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers." "Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?" "Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.

Dwarf Had Enough

One day a dwarf is sitting in his local pub when suddenly a thug walks in and strikes him on his head with his hand and says "Thats a chop from ju-jitsu!" The next day the dwarfs in the bar again hoping the same won't happen again, when the thug strode in again and jabs him in the stomach. "I learnt how to do that at boxing club! Stupid dwarf!" That's it thought the dwarf I'm not taking this anymore. So, the next day when the thug was sitting at the bar the dwarf walked in and hits him so hard his head started to bleed. "Where'd you learn that?" asked the thug. "Well to begin with, you chopped me on the head with a chop you learned at ju-jutsi and then you jabbed me like you would in boxing and then I hit you with a crowbar from halfords!"