Buying My First Condom

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

Alec Baldwin Ego

A lot of people think I look like Alec Baldwin. They don't actually tell me that, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're thinking.

The Elegant Crapper

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant. The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?" The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."