Facelift Technology

A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure. "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." "That sounds good," she says. Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes. "I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those aren't bags -- those are your tits." "Oh," says the woman, "well that explains the goatee."

How to Pick Up Women

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Luca) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Luca had no problem picking up gorgeous women.  He was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success. 
Vladimir: "Luca! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Luca: "Well, I'll tell ya!  But it's a secret,  just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladimir: "OK. It's a deal."
Luca: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around."
Vladimir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought."  But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Luca and asked, "Luca, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Luca: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"

A Donut Eater

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!