God Created Man

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

Chain Reaction

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream. Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it. Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth. Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear. Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I'll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter's sack. Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese... then I'll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole. Suddenly, the fly drops two inches... Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream... What's the moral of the story? If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!

Gorilla Chase!

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand.
About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.  Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around.  Then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”