15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
14. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7. Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 
1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Bar Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Favorite Drink

Age of drinking
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser