Southwest Airlines

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 995, to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

The Pilot's Pants?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 398, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Big mix-UP

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton and an extremely religious guy named Phil who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.   Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to hell and Bill went to heaven, but only for about 20 minutes.  On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary".  Bill Clinton replied,  "Sorry buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"