Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill. Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change." "Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?" "Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector. "While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?" "Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked. Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher." "A what?" asked the collector. "A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a sideways glance. "What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked. "Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle. "Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked. "Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said. Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?" "...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interrupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet." "SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?" Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

Business One Liners - Personnel

Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Bo Diddeley's Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dr. Caligari's Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup. 

Old Librarians

Old librarians never die, they just get re-shelved