Engineer In the Wrong Place

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place." So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions

(What they say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Lightweight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

An Academic Problem

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."