Oxygen is Essential

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

The night before Christmas - The Attorney Edition

Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat;
and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St. Nicholas would arrive;
and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit;
and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia;
and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate;
and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions;
and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen";
and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.  
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions.

Thankful He's Drunk

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.  A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"  The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"  "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."  Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."