Solving a Dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved. "Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Sunscreen

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Grounds for Divorce

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?" To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres." "No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney. "No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds. Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?" Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport." At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?" "Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"