Monkey Witness

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident. A man and a woman are both dead in the wreckage. He looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop says, "Hey, monkey, do you know what happened?" The monkey mimes drinking a bottle. "They were drinking? What else?" The monkey mimes smoking a joint. "They were smoking dope? What else?" The monkey mimes sexual relations. "They were screwing? This doesn't make any sense. How did you see all of this?" Monkey mimes driving.

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

People in a Honda

Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda?
A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.