Top 10 New Summer Camps!

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:
10. Tommy Lee's; Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's; Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's; Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's; Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's; Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's; Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's; Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's; Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's; Camp Lickacoochie
1. Monica Lewinsky's; Camp Suckapeepee

The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

10 Perks of Hanukkah

1. There's no "Donny and Marie Hanukkah Special"
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown." 
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.