The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

10 Perks of Hanukkah

1. There's no "Donny and Marie Hanukkah Special"
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown." 
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Top 10 Rejected Greeting Cards

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
   'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon" but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire I found your cat
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends, here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day, look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Don't fret about your wife though she's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead and it was so alive you shouldn't have installed Win'95.
9. You totalled your car and can't remember why maybe it was that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job. It's one of those hardships in life. Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.