Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies

10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats"
9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass"
8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy"
7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax"
6. "Peyote Ugly"
5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins"
4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'"
3. "Field of Limbs"
2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve
1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"

Great Truths About Life

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Top 10 Marriage Secrets

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"  So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"