Waiting For Date

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a mo-ped.
7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

10 Signs Someone is Using Your Email

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."