Things Never Said By A Southerner

Things never said by a southerner

• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in the house.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We're vegetarians.
• Do you think my gut is too big?
• Honey, we don't need another dog.
• Who's Richard Petty?
• We could just share a small bag of pork rinds.
• Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I've got it all on the C drive.
• There's too much sugar in this tea.
• Checkmate.
• I believe you cooked those greens too long.

Unusual State Laws

It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
Connorsville, Wisconsin
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.
Willowdale, Oregon
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
Oblong, Illinois
(Editor's note: Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.
Alexandria, Minnesota

A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.
Ames, Iowa
There is a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.
Bozeman, Montana

An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.
Newcastle, Wyoming

A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.
Illinois

Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
Merryville, Missouri
(Editor's note: This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)
Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Helena, Montana

It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.
Carlsbad, New Mexico

State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Florida

Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."
Cleveland, Ohio

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Tremont, Utah

Two Women's Airplane Trip

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane. "Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose. "Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second. "Where you flyin' to, bitch?"