Condom Size Test

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in Aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Medium!" Mortified, the guy hurries over to pay and quickly leaves. Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in Aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie. A few minutes later, Sophie yells, "Cleanup in Aisle 4!"

Aching Desire

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again......Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

Christmas Shopping

Q: Where does the queen do her Christmas shopping?
A: Newcastle!