Star Wars Remastered

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15.  New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14.  He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely
13.  Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12.  Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11.  The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10.  Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9.  C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8.  Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7.  New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6.  Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5.  Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4.  During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
3.  Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
2.  The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1.  Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Men Are Like UFOs

Q: How are men like UFOs?
A: You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

We Both Are Hear for The Same Reason

While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once. When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.