Murphys Law on Love and Sex

1. "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
2. "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
3. "I'm not really married."
4. "It's only a cold sore."
5. "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
6. "Size isn't important."
7. "This won't hurt, I promise."
8. "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
9. "We'll always be together."
10. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
11. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
12. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
13. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. All the good ones are taken.
16. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
17. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
18. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
19. Do it only with the best.
20. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
21. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
22. Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
23. If it seems too good to be true,it probably is.
24. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
25. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
26. If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
27. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
28. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
29. It is always the wrong time of month.
30. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
32. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
33. Love comes in spurts.
34. Love is a hole in the heart.
35. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
36. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
39. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
40. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
41. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
42. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
43. Never say no.
44. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
45. Nice guys finish last.
46. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
47. No sex with anyone in the same office.
48. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
49. Nothing improves with age.
50. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
51. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
52. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
53. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
54. Sex has no calories.
55. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
56. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
57. Sex is hereditary.
58. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
59. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
60. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
61. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
62. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
63. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
64. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
65. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
66. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
67. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
68. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
69. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
71. The younger the better.
72. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
73. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
74. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
75. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
76. Virginity can be cured.
77. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
78. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
79. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
80. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
81. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
82. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

Sex Before Communion

A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?" He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

Breeding Problem

A Soviet woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now that I'm married I can't get pregnant." "Well" said the doctor, "It's possible you don't breed in captivity!"