Too Honest

Mom, how did I come to this world? "Well, your father and I planted a seed together," the mother said.
"From that seed, we grew a marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine."

Why Women Are Better Than Bikes

1. Bicycles don't get pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're going to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicycle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet it's mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Rubber

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.