Learning To Love

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Blow Job Etiquette

• First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it - so if you get one, be grateful.
• I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face. And no, I DON'T have to swallow.
• My ears are NOT handles.
• Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,  do you really WANT puke on your dick?
• I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
• Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" . Get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
• "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls, but if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
• If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
• Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv, etc. immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
• If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. 
• No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
• No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink,etc.
• When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
• Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

What Girls Really Mean

Can't we just be friends? (There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.)
I just need some space. (... without you in it.)
Do I look fat in this dress? (We haven't had a fight in a while.)

I don't know, what do you want to do? (I can't believe you have nothing planned.)
I like you, but... (I don't like you.)

Of course I love you. (... just not in that way.)

You never listen. (You never listen.)
We're moving too quickly. (I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.)
Oh, no, I'll pay for myself. (There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.)

Oh yes! Right there! (Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.)

I'm just going out with the girls. (We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.)