Old Lady's House Ransacked

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied, "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy." 

The Blonde Driver

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"

Light Bulb - LA Cops

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.