A Pastor Hunting

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting. Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

No Sex on the Ark!

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"  Mrs.  Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

Holy Squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Squirrels Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.  Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.