Help Needed!

A man running through the crowded train looked very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic Priest on board?!" When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican Priest on board?!" Still there was no reply. Now becoming very desperate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?" Finally, a passenger jumped up and shouted, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend?!! I'm a Charismatic Pastor!!" The agitated man paused, looked at him and said, "Sit down; you can't help me. I need a corkscrew!"

Golf Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights. "I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.
"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone." "How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

Definition of Innocence

Q: What's the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.