Confession

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned. "The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"  "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said.  The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."  "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.  "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."  "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?", the fellow asked.  The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Sex Before Mass

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well, they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their parish Priest for advice. Father, the young couple asked ... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?" The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles..."

Half Catholic Half Jewish

Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.